The media hype about older women seeking out young men for sexual
contact has about worn me down. As a relationship therapist for four
decades, I have certainly defended many unfairly labeled "dirty old
men," who were just guys who fell in love with younger women for their
beauty, energy, and potential for having children. Many of my older
male patients have wanted to start families again and have created
great second marriages.
Now I have a whole new group of valuable people to defend. In the past
several years, I've had the pleasure of working with older women in
relationships with often much younger men. They are not the "older
women who frequent clubs to score sexually with younger men," as the
new, and unfair definition is of "Cougars." They are quality, mature
women who have been actively sought after by younger men for
long-term, committed relationships. Yes, sex is an important part of
their relationship, but there is so much more.
Currently, I am working with five couples where the women are five to
eighteen years older than their male partners. All of them are in
committed relationships. They come into therapy to work on typical
issues that all couples face, but also on the challenges that they
receive regularly from the outside. Society still has deep prejudices
against older women with younger men, unfairly non-reciprocal when the
genders are reversed.
I ask these young men what attracts them to their women. They
regularly tell me things like:
"She is so incredibly smart about life,"
"She is so easy to be with, nothing fazes her,"
"She tracks me so well. I never have to explain myself or feel badly
about who I am. I've never felt this known and still loved,"
"It is so great to be with someone who isn't so concerned about what
people think about her. The confidence she feels about herself and
what she has to offer is an amazing turn-on."
Here's what the women say:
"He is so caring and appreciative of the things I do for him that are
second nature to me."
"He makes me feel beautiful and desirable."
"He is so great with my kids."
"He's always up for any adventure. So many of the older guys I dated
were uninterested in the exciting things I love to do."
"He helps me so much, often before I even have to ask."
Their most pressing problem is the discrimination they face. These
couples get so many covert and overt negative comments from people
that clearly indicate their discomfort: Jealous friends, kids who
think moms shouldn't be in love, competitive ex-husbands who may feel
displaced by a younger man, implied differences in capacity to provide
for financial needs, prejudices against mature women who are "robbing
the cradle," and stereotypes about older women only wanting younger
men for better sex. And those are only a few.
Here's one example:
Vicky and Hal met in a book club three years ago. Vicky's husband had
left her four years earlier to marry a woman twenty years younger. Her
kids were torn between their concern for their mom and wanting to
accept his new wife. Their dad insisted they get over the fact that
his new girlfriend was only six years older than his daughters and
wanted them to be "great friends."
Hal was just getting over a long-term relationship with his past
girl-friend and discouraged over the women he'd been dating. So many
of them were over-indulgent and self-serving, looking for money and a
good time. He'd felt like they just didn't understand what it was like
to spend so many years building a career and trying to pay off the
huge debt he'd incurred.
Vicky seemed sincerely concerned. Twelve years older than Hal, she was
wonderfully alive, kind, and calm, paying careful attention when he
shared his conflicts and broken dreams. He never thought about the age
difference between them as a barrier to their growing intimacy. The
more time they spent together, the greater their friendship deepened.
Neither thought it would be anything more than that but after a year,
it blossomed into a romantic relationship.
At first, her girls thought it a little odd that their mom would spend
so much time with someone so much younger than she, but Hal was such a
great guy and so much fun to be around. Hanging out as a family became
more natural and easy over time. They had to ward off many derogatory
remarks from other people, especially from their dad, but they eagerly
defended their mom's choice.
Their dad didn't do as well. Somehow feeling oddly displaced, he told
Vicky that he wanted to reduce the alimony he was paying her, and told
her she should "get money from her new friend for his services." He
also regularly told her that people were laughing at her behind her
back. Though sensitive and concerned about what people were saying,
Vicky took comfort in the wonderful relationship she and Hal were
creating.
One of the new modal points for divorce is women over sixty leaving
sedate, often self-indulgent husbands who no longer think that romance
is necessary in a long-term relationship. These more mature women are
searching for men who still love an active relationship, are open to
new adventures, energetic in their romantic commitments, and love
women who have a combination of all of those same desires plus the
maturity that life's lessons provide. What is wrong with that pairing
and why can't this society offer that to its women without the
derogatory descriptions that seem to be proliferating?
In Ben Franklin's 1745 essay, "Advice on the Choice of a Mistress," he
gives eight reasons why a young man should prefer an older woman.
First he advocates why marriage is always better than a casual
relationship, but then advises that, if a man is not ready, he should
definitely seek out the company of a mature woman over a younger one.
Though Ben's mores do reflect the times, he tells his advice-seeker
that older women have better minds, offer more interesting
conversation, are good at heart, have usually satisfied their need to
have children, are unlikely to exploit, give excellent counsel, and
are sexually desirable and knowledgeable about good love-making.
People lived much shorter lives then, and Ben was probably not talking
about long-term committed relationships, but the descriptions of
mature women are not very different from what younger men today feel
about their older women partners. Could we possibly come up with a
different description and definition of wonderful women who are
treasured by their younger men than "Cougars?"
Follow Randi Gunther on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/Randi Gunther [1]
Visit link:
Randi Gunther: Older Women, Younger Men In Love: Let's Rename The
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